I both love an hate being sick.
I hate the feeling of being sick, and being sick itself.
But i love the fact that it puts me a very appathetic and passive agressive mood that allows anything to slide off me.

Like i have no cares in the world.
(The cake is a lie)
Think im gonna get an early nights sleep tonight, i feel like crap.

Posting song lyrics is so cliche' ... well that and using them for away messages on AIM or facebook statuses. I mean if anyone actually tells me to my face that when they post something its not becuase it instills a certain emotion, ill slap them.

You post lyrics or quotes because you are too afraid to confront those emotions head on, and so you will take some one elses words to express your emotions for you. More creative people will make quotes, will be quoted. How awesome would it be if someone quoted you?
Yah that would rock.

So express your emotions. Be creative, use the english language to strike those around you with your emotions like a stab wound or arrow wound.
Speaking of which there in a nice hole on my chest that is painfully bleeding. Don't worry its just a bug bite ... a very angry painfully stabbing and teeth grittingly annoying bug bite.

Moving on.
RIght, so now that i've stated all that above:

---------
Sing it for me
I can't erase the stupid things I say
You're better than me
I struggle just to find a better way

So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road, the one that I should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight take a breath and softly say goodbye

You wouldn't like me
Keep moving on until forever ends
Don't try to fight me
The beauty queen has lost her crown again

So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road, the one that I, should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight take a breath and softly say goodbye

Goodbye
So why are you so eager to betray?
Pick the pieces up
Pick the pieces up
so why are you the one that walks away?
Pick the pieces up
Pick the pieces up
Pick the pieces up

So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road, the one that I, should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight take a breath and softly say goodbye
Just take a breath and softly say goodbye
-------------

Annoyingly relivant song. Granted i hate goodbyes ... like legit, i would rather lash out and hurt someone than face my demons saying "i told you so." i would rather push people away than have them stab me in the heart when im not looking, but whatever, im not perfect - in fact im starting to believe im terribly inperfect, but maybe thats what makes me, me. I don't really care <increadibly appathetic>
Anywho, no. I hate goodbyes, in fact i wish there was no such thing as goodbyes. I may or may not have sucome to the eastern philosophy of anceistors watching out for you ... actually i did. Which allows me to never have to deal with "real death" ... only the first 2 stages of it. When people stop talking to you, and when people move away and you will never see them again. It sucks. I can barely deal with it. And currently it feels like that with a large handful of people.
J*****
J*****
J***
G*****
D*
M***
C*******
J*****

(notices i have a lot of friends with "J" names)
anyway, yah it sucks, i saw this coming and unfortunetly i decided to lash out instead of being lashed at, and i feel terrible about it. But on the other hand i feel like ... no ... i just feel like something is really missing. So im scared ... yah ill admitt it ... for the first time i dont know what will happen. (thats a lie, i do, i just hate admitting the possibilities or different things it hurts my soul to much)

Crap ... words and thoughts are failing me now ... i hate this crap.
I love me. I really do, but i hate myself.
I love what i do and who i am. I love the fact that im so incredibly awesome.
But i hate the fact that deep down in a miserable trash heap. I hate the fact that all my friends are so tired of my shit that they don't like talking to me. I hate the fact that if im alone for to long darkness, and i mean true scary shit darkness floats like fog into my mind.
And for the first time ever, checking into a mental institute is being prioritized on my "Thinks to contemplate" list.

Maybe i am crazy, maybe i am bipolar, and manic depressant, maybe i am skitzo ... maybe i shouldn't work with children, or listen to other peoples problems ...

Living in complete solitude is looking like a good idea too ... but being an old hermit blows ...
Whatever
Lindsey, out ... very out ... *clicks off lightbulb*

Ever test your mortality?
The world can exist without Lindsey Barth for a while.

I thought i grew out of this but apperantly im a failure more than I ever thought.

*poof*

Today was a hard day ...

I'm not really sure why it was such a hard day, but i find that i'm really depressed, really frightened, and not looking forward to waking up tomorrow.

i don't know ... I feel terrible, like withdrawl symptoms ... maybe its too much sugar ... idk
but i do know that i feel terrible for feeling terrible. And i feel a storm front on the horizon. Stress ... i shouldn't have this much stress ... i ... i ...

I should sleep

Possible Jobs that I would be good at:

Teacher
Professor
Writer
Artist
Architect
pottery
masonry
park ranger
museum tour guide
bar tender
own a bed and breakfast
Cook
own a resturant
supreme ruler of the world
criminal investigator
spy
foreign information gatherer
scientist
FBI
CIA
NSA
Computer technition
NASA
Criminal profiler
Private detective
revolutionary
librarian
Curator of historical objects
inventor
Professional Plant breeder
Discovery channel camera man
explorer
archeologist
paleontologist
parapsychologist
Ghost hunter and paranormal investigator
Beer Brewer
Wine maker
Comic book writer
Rich entrepreneur philanthropist (i'd be damn good at this one lol :-P )

Lindsey Barth, Professor of History, Occult and Mythology, as well as, Curator of Old Books, Local Historian, and reviewer of The National Historical Review.

Subject  Fields (History): Ancient Mediterranean, Medieval Europe, Ancient China, Pre-Columbian America, Early America, Early Republic, New Deal Era, United States Political History to 1900.
Subject Fields (Occult & Mythology): Early World Religions, Creation Myths, The Age of Monotheism, Demonology, Psychic Studies, Spiritualism, Metaphysics, Enlightened Age Alchemy, Secret Societies and Cults, Mythology and Folklore of World Cultures.


... I kind of like this title ... :-)

While standing up on the top of that eight story parking garage the wind rustled through my hair, and nature ... yes, nature, that obnoxious whinny bitch, told me something.

She told me that i was being a bitch. She told me I had already seen this (which i did) and that I had been prepared for it. She went on to tell me that it was stupid of me to be there, for what? I tormented female from LA? What women in LA are not tormented? Think about it Lindsey. These girls are drawn to you like moths to flame, and you can't find another one? Just turn around idiot ...

And as i turned around i found a parking lot devoid of cars ...

There's nothing worse than walking down an empty parking garage ... Its rather depressing.
Anyway, I'm over it. Bottled my emotions up in a nice bottle again, and buried them down in that cancerous section that hasn't been diagnosed yet. Eventually the bottle will be found and opened again, and eventually my personality and emotions will heal but for now, self destruction sounds so much better. Two more projects to do ... and I don't think I'm going to do them ...
Failing out of college? No, simply because my mother would kill me, but ... my grades will represent my sin, and internal struggle.

I could blame this on telling olivia to much of the future, but that was my decision so, I'll deal with this accordingly.

Some people cut themselves
Some people burn themselves
some people hurt themselves in otherways ...
I bite holes in my tongue ...

No better, but no one knows about it ...

Again I sit here in the Horse barn on the edge of Sleepy Hallow looking out into the mist and seeing only the hell that has been my life. The pain that has helped and benefited others. The wounds that never seem to heal. My soul that looks like mashed potato's with a tiny hidden emerald someplace in the muck.

I hate the idea of Que Sera Sera .. but only because the idiots that use it don't fathom the deep complexity of it. ...
But what will happen, will happen.

If i could change peoples minds ... my soul wouldn't rot every morning. When I get up and drag myself to the mirror in the bathroom i see my soul rotting away, black and green, death ... soon - I won't even be capable of narvana because there will be nothing left of this 15,000 year old soul.

This week has been pretty rough. Monday was not bad, primarily because my class was canceled, and it gave me time to write more of my paper. I continued to progress on that project through Tuesday and into Wednesday.

Wednesday rolled around and i was stressing that I had not yet completed enough of my paper, but eventually i decided that enough was enough and i let it roll. Thursday hit and everything went to hell.

I could barely get up, but i dragged my ass to class. Tired as i was i decided to stumble around the internet and 1/2 pay attention in class. I found the homepage for the Pacific Northwestern Tree Octopus (ref: facebook tag), and laughed a little at its rediculuim.  I then proceeded to Soils & Veg where i sat through obnoxious notes about plants, then headed to Jacksonian Era ... where i handed in my paper ... un-stapled and got playfully harassed ... however, as the professor continued to collect the papers that were suppose to be 10-12 pages long, he found that people were only giving in 2-3 pages ... and became furious. He fumbled with giving back the papers to peer review and then continued to scream and yell at us for being incompetent.

As i got home i started to read the two papers I had been given to read, and my heart sunk. It was like these people writing these papers hadn't even graduated highschool. You are not able to end a sentence with "was" or "can", it just doesn't sound right. So i began to through a small fit about the incomptence of the American Educational System ... only to get an email about my neighbor dying ...

This was followed up by a small fight with Joanna, who is the only redeemable thing in my life right now. As well as realizing olivia has, as i predicted she would, gone back to her boyfriend ... who will treat her like crap and eventually shatter her already broken heart. Furthermore, I've been feeling like crap, and a stitch in my eye came loose.

Firday rolled around and I was suppose to have a doctors appointment with my surgeon to remove the stitch only to show up and him not be there ... so now though my weeked, i've been sick, stressed, depressed, lonely, forloomed, distracted, unresponsive ... oh ... and apperantly the ticks are out ... because one bit my ass ... It stil hurts ... I hope i don't get lime disease, that would suck ... plus swine flu has been on the tip of everyones tongue and its like they are expecting the world to end.

The only thing left is for a zombie outbreak ...

I really really hate being me ... its not because i hate my life, its because i hate my abilities. I hate the fact that I can see things no one else can. I hate the fact that people don't take my warnings seriously. Why do people think, that I'm just a loony, that what is say is just me being stupid and craving for attention ... what if for some stupid reason i can see the future, i know exactly what will happen.

Why does no one listen ...

I'm falling apart again.
My left eye hurts, it probably has a stitch loose, so i should get around to calling the doctors to get it removed.
I had a stomach bug during the end of the week last week, and during the weekend.
I'm getting stressed.
Classes are almost over.
I'm typing up my final papers - which are all much more complex than they should be.
I've been sleeping, trying to balance my stress but its not really helping, all its doing is costing me time.
And I've missed talking to you ... you seem so busy yourself right now though :-[